‘Bachelor’ Finale Live-Blogged by First-Time Viewer

THR’s media and politics reporter attempts to watch and blog ‘The Bachelor’ season finale having never seen a second of the show.

As fans of The Bachelor know, Arie Luyendyk Jr. will choose between finalists Lauren Burnham and Becca Kufrin on Monday. The two-night ending to Arie’s season has been promised to be an epic finish and will break format in order to update viewers on Arie’s current status. But THR‘s media and politics reporter Jeremy Barr doesn’t know about any of that. Below, follow along as the ending plays out from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. on ABC. The finale will continue Tuesday, at 8 p.m., with the annual After the Final Rose live reunion special.

I’m Jeremy, and I cover media and politics here at The Hollywood Reporter. I have absolutely no idea how The Bachelor works, because I’ve never seen an episode or read a single article about it. But, I’ve volunteered to watch and write about all three hours of this season’s finale episode for some reason.

Please follow along with me as I slowly figure out what The Bachelor is and exactly how I will spend the next three hours of my life.

5:05 p.m.: I really thought The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise were the same thing, so now I have to recalibrate my expectations. I thought this would be beach-centric, but the guy (Ari?) doesn’t seem to be at a beach right now. Peru is great, but not really a tropical paradise. Also, the guy’s hair is pretty tall and impressive. 

5:19 p.m.: I had no idea there was a studio audience involved. So far, this seems like a modern version of that MTV show (Parental Control) where your mom would interrogate your potential boyfriends and girlfriends. Parental Control mixed with America’s Funniest Home Videos (the studio audience thing). Also, right off the bat it seems weird that the guy’s saying “I love you” to both women. He also called one of the women “solid,” which I know is what every partner dreams of being described as.

5:28 p.m.: Becca (?) seems really mean so far. What does she have against Lauren? Very aggressive. Based on 28 minutes of watching one episode of this show, Lauren seems totally, equally fine.

5:35 p.m.: Everyone is dunking on Lauren. The guy is saying she has “flashes” of having an engaging personality. Why is he talking about wanting to “rally behind” one of them? What does that mean in the context of a relationship? Also, he seems really boring. And, there’s a woman (Caroline) who seems to really hate him but she’s not saying specifically what he did wrong. She’s hinting strongly, though.

5:49 p.m.: He’s still talking about how he’s seen “glimpses” of Lauren being enjoyable. But he also loves her despite not really being impressed by her? Their dialogue is also pretty tough to stomach. I’m not convinced that he likes her at all. But, he’s spent like 30 percent of this episode trying to convince me (the viewer) that he really cares about her.

5:57 p.m.: We’re an hour in and the show is still focused on the fact that Lauren is less shy now. Amazing dialogue from Ari: “There’s always been this sort of unexplainable thing with you, you know?” She said, “I agree.” Very touching moment. These people speak in romantic slogans and are essentially Hallmark cards in human form.

6:05 p.m.: I’m confused about how this works, because one of the former contestants (I assume) just said that it would be wrong for Ari to make a proposal because he’s so indecisive (I agree). But isn’t he contractually obligated by the laws of this show to propose? I didn’t realize there was an option C.

6:15 p.m.: Becca seems thirsty but also less boring. Also, people keep referencing “tonight” but I’m not sure what’s going to happen.